Euro 2012

GROUP OF BEER
Poland Germany Croatia Czech Republic


Platini and his cohorts will pull out the ridiculously-too-good-to-be-seeded-in-the-second-pot Germany, Croatia and the Czech Republic, meaning that Joachim Low will lead his men, rather ominously from a historical point of view, into battle against half of central and eastern Europe.

But unlike World War II, the Germans will be flowing over the border in their customary cheerful way as the group pits four of the continent's finest ale producers together (indeed, after the draw, Franz Beckenbauer will lead a conga around the congress while clutching a beer stein to celebrate such a coming together). Frankly, if you want to party, you'll want to be in Warsaw and Wroclaw, where the group of beer's games will be held.

And there'll be some great games to look forward to, with some fascinating sub-plots (just how loud will the hosts boo Polish-born German heroes Lukas Podolski and Miroslav Klose, and will the latter be able to surpass the great Gerd Muller's record 68-goal haul?), fantastic players (Mesut Ozil, Luka Modric, Wojciech Szczesny and, erm, Tomas Rosicky), and a couple of cracking cities hosting.
GROUP OF FUN
Spain Italy Sweden Republic of Ireland


After 10 years without being involved in an international tournament, the Republic of Ireland are finally back on the world scene and Irishmen will be watching on with bated breath to see which teams they get paired with.

One plucky Irish fan snuck himself into his team's first-leg play-off qualifier in Estonia dressed up as a kitman and managed to catch the game from the hosts' bench, and he turns up on stage on Friday to watch the draw by dressing up as the devil, going unnoticed throughout the event as attendees mistake him for Sepp Blatter. First out of the pot for Giovanni Trapattoni's barmy army is world and European champions Spain (bugger), then it's Italy (double bugger), and finally it's Sweden (they'll take that).

Also present was Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who took the opportunity to prove he can 'do it on the big stage' by kicking Platini in the head as he draws out Sweden from pot three.

Spain aside, Italy draw a relatively easy group but it transpires that the master of mischief himself, Mario Balotelli, has rigged the pots in his nation's favour (I was shocked by this too, it's not like there's ever a calcio controversy on the cusp of an international competition, is it?).

The striker is suspended from the competition as a result – not that it matters, because by June he's given up professional football to devote his time to building a castle in Manchester complete with its own 10-mile-long go-kart track, a giant statue of himself, a t-shirt factory, and more women with false breasts than you can shake a stick at.

GROUP OF DEATH
Netherlands England Portugal France


An absolute fix! Uefa always try to screw over England (indeed, they didn't even draw them for Euro 2008 groups despite the Three Lions being the best team in the world at the time – what heathens!) and they've stitched them up again by lobbing them in the Group of Death, prompting Fabio Capello to hand in his notice immediately to leave with his dignity intact rather than torn into a million pieces having bombed at another international tournament.

Group C games will be staged in Gdansk and Poznan, and England fans will be – like the celebration made famous by fans of the home club of the latter city – turning their backs on their team in their droves; not because they've scored, but because they've taken a pasting and they'd rather be out hitting up the pubs than crying into their replica shirts.

The other teams in the group will relish taking on England: the Netherlands know they have goal-a-game Robin van Persie to rely on; France are France and can always mix it up at a tournament when they are not in turmoil; and Portugal will delight in not having to wear protective cups because Wayne Rooney will be suspended and won't be there to stamp on their groins.
GROUP OF SLEEP
Ukraine Russia Greece Denmark


Another group of death this one, but more because the games will be so appallingly unentertaining that spectators will engage in more exciting and dangerous pursuits – like downing bottles of neat vodka and then going free-running across the rooftops of Kiev – as let's face it, who's going to want to watch this bundle of boredom?

Like Poland, Ukraine are top seeds by virtue of being a host nation (note to Wales and Scotland, if you ever want to play at a tournament again, join up and co-host one), but unlike their neighbours, they've actually got a shot at progressing because Greece and Denmark are equally as dire as they are.